House of Guilder

Hey guys! I'm sure you've noticed the lack of updates and I'm sorry. My time is limited. Anyways, enjoy Xmas physics!


Christmas Physics

After many careful hours of painstaking research, I have compiled the most expansive physics experiment ever performed on Santa Claus. I hope you can give me the due credit when you show off your cute article. After all, it is my life, my thesis, my reason for existence on this blessed earth. Well, here is my inquiry into Santa Claus.

1. No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.

2. There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish, and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million according to the Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there exists at least one good child in each.

3. Santa has 31 of hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky
27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.

4. The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each good child gets nothing more than a medium-sized Lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariable described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.

5. 353,00 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecrafts re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously,
exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.

In conclusion -

If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now.

According to my Toronto Maple Leaf calendar (pimps hockey team), Hanukkah commences today at sundown. Obviously, it's not sundown now (not here anyways) but I'll be writing an exam at sundown so I have to post this now. I figured that our Jewish Guild friends should not be left out of the fun, so I present you with some Hanukkah jokes.

I don't think these need an objectionable content warning, but if you feel you'd be offended by Hanukkah jokes, please don't read them.

Holiday Merger

Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers and acquisitions, it was announced today at a press conference that Christmas and Hanukkah will merge. An industry source said that the deal had been in the works for about 1300 years.

While details were not available at press time, it is believed that the overhead cost of having twelve days of Christmas and eight days of Hanukkah was becoming prohibitive for both sides. By combining forces, we're told, the world will be able to enjoy consistently high-quality service during the Fifteen Days of Chrismukah, as the new holiday is being called.

Massive layoffs are expected, with lords a-leaping and maids a-milking being the hardest hit. As part of the conditions of the agreement, the letters on the dreydl, currently in Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin, thus becoming unintelligible to a wider audience.

Also, instead of translating to "A great miracle happened there," the message on the dreydl will be the more generic "Miraculous stuff happens." In exchange, it is believed that Jews will be allowed to use Santa Claus and his vast merchandising resources for buying and delivering their gifts.

One of the sticking points holding up the agreement for at least three hundred years was the question of whether Jewish children could leave milk and cookies for Santa even after having eaten meat for dinner. A breakthrough came last year, when Oreos were finally declared to be Kosher. All sides appeared happy about this.

A spokesman for Christmas, Inc., declined to say whether a takeover of Kwanzaa might not be in the works as well. He merely pointed out that, were it not for the independent existence of Kwanzaa, the merger between Christmas and Chanukah might indeed be seen as an unfair cornering of the holiday market. Fortunately for all concerned, he said, Kwanzaa will help to maintain the competitive balance. He then closed the press conference by leading all present in a rousing rendition of "Oy Vey, All Ye Faithful."


The Eight Days of Hanukkah

On the first night of Hanukkah my true love gave to me
Lox, bagels and some cream cheese

On the second night of Hanukkah, my true love gave to me
2 Kosher pickles and
Lox, bagels and some cream cheese

On the third night of Hanukkah, my true love gave to me
3 pounds of corned beef
2 Kosher pickles and
Lox, bagels and some cream cheese

On the fourth night of Hanukkah, my true love gave to me
4 potato latkes
3 pounds of corned beef
2 Kosher pickles and
Lox, bagels and some cream cheese

On the fifth night of Hanukkah, my true love gave to me
5 bowls of chicken soup
4 potato latkes
3 pounds of corned beef
2 Kosher pickles and
Lox, bagels and some cream cheese

On the sixth night of Hanukkah, my true love gave to me
6 pickled herrings
5 bowls of chicken soup
4 potato latkes
3 pounds of corned beef
2 Kosher pickles and
Lox, bagels and some cream cheese

On the seventh night of Hanukkah, my true love gave to me
7 noodle kugels
6 pickled herrings
5 bowls of chicken soup
4 potato latkes
3 pounds of corned beef
2 Kosher pickles and
Lox, bagels and some cream cheese

On the eighth night of Hanukkah, my true love gave to me
8 Alka- Seltzer
7 noodle kugels
6 pickled herrings
5 bowls of chicken soup
4 potato latkes
3 pounds of corned beef
2 Kosher pickles and
Lox, bagels and some cream cheese


Top 12 Reasons why we like Hanukkah

12. You can't be nailed to the menorah

11. More elephants in the Hanukkah story

10. No roof damage from reindeer

9. Never a silent night when you're among your Jewish loved ones

8. Dance of the Sugar-Plum Rebbe

7. Betting Hanukkah gelt on candle races

6. Yes, Rivka'le, there is no Santa Claus

5. Naked spin-the-dreidel games

4. Fun waxy buildup

3. No awkward explanations of virgin birth

2. Cheer optional

1. No Irving Berlin songs (or Mel Torme' either!)


Stan and John are walking to school one day and Stan is showing off his new Gameboy to John. "Where did you get that?" John asked. "I got it last night for Hanukkah," said Stan.

"What's Hanukkah?" John asked.

"It's the Jewish holiday where we get presents every night for eight nights to celebrate the festival of lights."

"Wow, I wish we got that!" John exclaimed. The next day on the way to school John runs up to Stan, curious to see what he got. He sees that Stan is upset, "What's wrong? Where's your present from last night?" asks John.

Stan holds up a ball of crumpled wrapping paper, "It was leftovers night."

Today's treat is inspired by the fabulous Steph, whose LJ led me to these hilarious cartoons. I think that we need something a bit non-Xmassy, and I also think that we all could use a little naughty, nonsensical humour.

A little bit of nonsense now and then is relished by the wisest men.

Bonus points if you can tell me what movie that came from.

Objectionable Content Warning!

This is probably the most severe one I've ever thrown out there, because some of these cartoons are extremely offensive. Why am I putting them up then? Because they're funny and they satirize our deepest fears and social taboos, which we relish even if we don't want to admit it. In a subversive kind of way, we enjoy being offended. We enjoy being non-PC or abot off-colour, because it lets us laugh at ourselves and how silly we can be. That's my opinion anyway, which none of you have to share. But please remember that this is all in good fun and no one should have hurt feelings about this. :)

You may have to click on them to see the whole thing, as stupid LJ formatting is making the page look all wonky.

( Please don't look if you're easily offended )

Everyday, it gets a little bit closer. Here are some random Christmas jokes that I found amusing. The first one about Martha Stewart is particularly hilarious. Enjoy!

Martha Stewart's Holiday To-Do List

December 1
Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray paint gold, turn upside
down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas cards.

December 2
Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for
answering machine.

December 3
Using candlewick and hand-gilded miniature pine cones, fashion a
cat-o-nine-tails. Flog gardener.

December 4
Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.

December 5
Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself.

December 6
Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration.

December 7
Debug Windows '95

December 10
Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.

December 11
Lay Faberge egg.

December 12
Take dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.

December 13
Collect dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for
decorative pie crusts.

December 14
Install plumbing in gingerbread house.

December 15
Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade "Holiday Scents" in case tires
are shot out at mall.

December 17
Child proof the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire.

December 19
Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be the same
height when sitting at his or her assigned seat.

December 20
Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner's sugar to
add a festive sparkle to the pasture.

December 21
Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and
cinnamon sticks.

December 22
Float votive candles in toilet tank.

December 23
Seed clouds for white Christmas.

December 24
Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last
minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate
than they really are.

December 25
Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in color-coordinated manger scented with homemade
potpourri.

December 26
Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.

December 27
Build snowman in exact likeness of God.

December 31
New Year's Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call a friend in each time
zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight in that country.


Things Not To Say When Hanging The Lights


Did you know that hanging lights on a Christmas tree is one of
the three most stressful situations in an on-going relationship?

Psychiatrists claim the other two danger zones are teaching your
mate to drive and wallpapering. They are rarely wrong on these
things. We rush to print with an emergency prompt list of Things
Not To Say When Hanging Lights on the Christmas Tree.

-- "You've got two red lights right next to each other, dummy.
You're supposed to go yellow, green, red, blue, not yellow,
red, red, green, blue..."

-- "Up a little higher. You can reach it. Go on, try."

-- "What the hell do you do to these lights when you put them
away every year? Tie them in knot?"

-- "Come away from that aluminum ladder, kids. I'm going to fry
that sucker."

-- "If you're not going to do it right, don't do it at all. Don't
just throw them on, like you do the icicles. You're worse than
your father."

-- "Give me that!"

-- "You've got the whole thing on the tree upside-down. The
electric pluggee thing should be down here at the bottom, not
up at the top."

-- "I don't care if you have found another two strings, I'm done!"

-- "You've just wound 'em around and around - I thought we agreed
it shouldn't look like a spiral this year?"

-- "Have you been drinking?"

-- "Where's the cat?"

Holiday Eating Tips


1. About those carrot sticks. Avoid them. Anyone who puts
carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the
Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave
immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly.
Like fine single-malt Scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even
rarer than single-malt Scotch. You can't find it any other
time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has
10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to
turn into an eggnogaholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy
it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think.
It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point
of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a
volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with Gravy. Eat
the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim
milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like
buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to
control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas
party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it.
Hello? Remember college?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between Christmas
and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have
nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which
you'll need after circling the buffet table carrying a ten-
pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table,
like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa,
position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as
you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like
a beautiful pair of shoes. You can't leave them behind. You're
not going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of
each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and
one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have
more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the
mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it all cost. I mean,
have some standards, mate.

10. And one final tip If you don't feel terrible when you leave
the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying
attention. Reread the tips. Start over. But hurry! Cookie-
less January is just around the corner.


The Politically Correct 12 Days Of Christmas


On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival,
my Significant Other in a consenting adult, monogamous relationship
gave to me:

TWELVE
males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming,

ELEVEN
pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of members
in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for in
their union contract even though they will not be asked to play a
note),

TEN
melanin deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal
ruling class system leaping,

NINE
persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression,

EIGHT
economically disadvantaged female persons stealing milk-products
from enslaved Bovine-Americans,

SEVEN
endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands,

SIX
enslaved Fowl-Americans producing stolen non-human animal products,

FIVE
golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic
incarceration,
(NOTE: after members of the Animal Liberation Front threatened to
throw red paint at my computer, the calling birds, French hens and
partridge have been reintroduced to their native habitat. To avoid
further Animal-American enslavement, the remaining gift package
has been revised.)

FOUR
hours of recorded whale songs

THREE
deconstructionist poets

TWO
Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree carcasses

and...

ONE
Spotted Owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree.


Gauging the level of your Christmas Party

Festivity Level 1
Your guests are chatting amiably with each other, admiring your Christmas tree
ornaments, singing carols around the upright piano, sipping at their drinks and
nibbling hors d'oeuvres.

Festivity Level 2
Your guests are talking loudly -- sometimes to each other, and sometimes to
nobody at all, rearranging your Christmas tree ornaments, singing "I Gotta Be
Me" around the upright piano, gulping their drinks and wolfing down hors
d'oeuvres.

Festivity Level 3
Your guests are arguing violently with inanimate objects, singing "I can't get
no satisfaction," gulping down other peoples' drinks, wolfing down Christmas
tree ornaments and placing hors d'oeuvres in the upright piano to see what
happens when the little hammers strike.

Festivity Level 4
Your guests, hors d'oeuvres smeared all over their naked bodies are performing
a ritual dance around the burning Christmas tree. The piano is missing.

You want to keep your party somewhere around level 3, unless you rent your
home and own firearms, in which case you can go to level 4. The best way to
get to level 3 is egg-nog.

Hey everyone!

So up until now, most of the advent stuff has been lighthearted but today's entry is a bit more serious. I don't want to sound preachy but there are a lot of people who don't have much and that makes this time of year that much more difficult. I know that many food banks and shelters ask for extra donations at this time, and while I don't want to tell you what to do, I urge you all to think about giving. Even if you don't celebrate Christmas, I still think that this is an important time. It's about giving and celebration, which I think can be appreciate by everyone, regardless of religion. Also, I think that most people tend to think about giving locally which is great, but I think we should think on a global scale as well. Which brings us to today's item: the video for Band Aid's "Do They Know it's Christmas?" (the original) This has always been one of my favourite Christmas songs and I think it has a very important message. So enjoy and please take some time to think about others at this time of year. Also, if anyone is interested, Elysa (my lovely HoH) is the co-founder of Operation Sudan and you can visit their website for more information: www.operationsudan.org

Here's the video. Have fun spotting the 80s British celebs.

We're into double digits. Christmas is officially only 15 days away. Anyways, here are some amusing Christmas related Blogthings. Make sure to post your results so we can all see them. You can enjoy my results while you're at it.

You Are a Snowman

Friendly and fun, you enjoy bringing holiday cheer to everyone you know!

Your Christmas is Most Like: How the Grinch Stole Christmas

You can't really get into the Christmas spirit... But it usually gets to you by the end of the holiday.

You Are a Losing Lottery Ticket!

Full of hope and promise. But in the end, a cheap letdown.

Your Christmas Stocking Will Be Filled With Coal

You haven't been *that* naughty this year Santa is just screwing with you

You Are a Minimal Christmas Tree

You're not a total Scrooge, but you feel no need to go overboard at Christmas. Less is more, and your Christmas reflects refined quality.

Well, this is even later than yesterday but I only just got home. Tonight's treat is in celebration of the many office/workplace Christmas functions that are happening at this time, including my own that was tonight but I skipped out on to hang out with school friends. :)

This one is pretty clean, so I don't feel it's necessary to edit naything out.

Enjoy!



FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 1
RE: Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House.

There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00pm.

Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time, however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets.

This gathering is only for employees! A special announcement will be made by our
CEO at that time! Merry Christmas to you and your family.

Patty


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FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December
RE: Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.

We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party."

The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians or those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree present. No Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family.

Patty


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FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 3
RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?

Somebody?

Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.

NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.


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FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 7
RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party!

Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party- or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy.

Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other.

Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table. To the person asking permission to cross dress, no cross dressing allowed though.

We will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest for those people with high blood pressure to taste first.

There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry! Did I miss anything?!?!?

Patty


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FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO : All Employees
DATE: December 10
RE: The #$%*!@% Holiday Party

Vegetarians?!?!?!? I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your #$%^&*! salad bar, including organic tomatoes.

But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die, you hear me!?!?!?!?!?!?!!!!!

The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!


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FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
TO : All Employees
DATE: December 14
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Happy Holidays!

A bit late, but here nonetheless. This is for all my friends who know what it's like to wake up to 3 feet of snow in their driveway and for those of you who don't know, take heed and stay far, far away.

Objectional content warning!

A bit of minor cursing, which I've edited out in the clean version. Uncensored version is under the cut.

Diary of a Snow Shoveler...

December 8 - 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9 - We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.

December 12 - The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. l don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.

December 14 - Snow lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish l wouldn't huff and puff so.

December 15 - 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.

December 16 - Ice storm this morning. Fell on my a** on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.

December 17 - Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20 - Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. God**** snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow
blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.

December 22 - Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white stuff fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to p***. By the time I got undressed, p***ed and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I think the a****** is lying.

December 23 - Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she, nuts!!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's lying.

December 24 - 6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, l broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a b**** who drives that snow plow I'll drag him through the snow by his b**** and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish
shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the god**** snowplow.

December 25 - Merry ******* Christmas! 20 more inches of the god**** slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God I hate the snow!
Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's a fricking idiot. If I have to watch "It's A Wondeful Life" one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.

December 26 - Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.

December 27 - Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze, plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes.

December 28 - Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. THE B**** is driving me crazy!!!

December 29 - 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

December 30 - Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver he is now suing me for a million dollars not only the beating I gave him but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his a**. The wife went home to her mother. 9" predicted.

December 31 - I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.

January 8 - Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?

( Uncensored )

Ok, so you've heard it from me before but everyone likes trivia. Especially me. What can I say, I'm a competition junkie. Anyhoo, I've found an awesome site that has thousands of trivia questions. I've picked out 5 HP quizzes for everyone to take, ranging in difficulty from Very Easy to Difficult. Post your scores as a comment so we can have a little healthy competition. I'll post mine here. Good Luck! (you're gonna need it)

Very Easy- http://www.funtrivia.com/playquiz/quiz185459153caf0.html

Suya's score: 10/10 (hehe)

Easy- http://www.funtrivia.com/playquiz/quiz2432441bd99a8.html

Suya's score: 10/10 (wee)

Average- http://www.funtrivia.com/playquiz/quiz19070715d66f0.html

Suya's score: 9/10 (not so bad)

Tough- http://www.funtrivia.com/playquiz/quiz22700219fdc38.html

Suya's score: 8/10 (uh oh)

Difficult- http://www.funtrivia.com/playquiz/quiz127817ea3f40.html

Suya'a score: 16/20 (good lord, that one was hard!)

Hello again, my lovely Guilders. I've found some amusing HP related quizzes for you all to take. Enjoy them and enjoy my answers. Post them in your LJs so the rest of us can also be amused.

( Les Quizzes )

Another day, another treat for my Guilders. This is a clip from MadTv, which is one of my favourite shows. It's a Michael Moore spoof, hence the title Bowling for Christmas. There isn't anything particularly objectionable, just some minor anti-Bush sentiments. Enjoy!

Hey everyone!

Here's another day of our advent calendar. Apologies for missing yesterday. Anyways, I'm not sure if everyone has seen this or not, but it's a four minute sneak peek of the OotP movie.

Gigantic Spoiler Alert!

If you don't want to know what the movie will look like, please don't watch.

Here's the link:

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-7105707010768650236&sourceid=docidfeed&hl=en

Enjoy!

Ahoy Guilders! Since you're here, you must know about the holiday gift I'm giving you all. First off, I'm sorry that the fic exchange fell through. TF had the idea of doing one after the holidays which I think is a great idea. Anyways, on with the Advent fun! I know not everyone celebrtaes Christmas, so not everything here will be Christmas related. I have some jokes, some pictures, some funny videos. Just some fun stuff from me to you to let you know how grateful I am to have a Guild like you.



I have to tell you that some people might find some of the things I have a bit offensive. I promise to put a warning on anything that may be objectional and want to let you know that I'm not trying to insult anyone. This is all in good fun.



Which brings us to today's surprise: The 12 Days of Christmas. I'm sure most of you know the song, and this is a set of letters from someone on the receiving end of the gifts.



Objectionable content warning!



I've made a 'clean' version, where I've censored anything that may be offensive. The uncensored version is under the cut. I'm not anyone's parent so read whichever version you want, but do remember that I warned you.


The Twelve Days of Christmas

DAY ONE:

Dearest Bob,

I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear
tree. What a thoroughly delightful gift. I couldn't have been more
surprised.

With deepest love and affection,

Violet


DAY TWO:

Dearest Bob,

Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine? Two
turtle doves!! I'm delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just
too adorable.

My everlasting love,

Violet


DAY THREE:

My Dear Bob,

Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one! Now I actually must protest. I
don't deserve such generosity-three French hens! They are just darling,
but I must insist-you've been too, too kind.

All my love,

Violet


DAY FOUR:

Dear Bob,

Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really they ARE
beautiful. But don't you think enough is enough? You are just being too
romantic.

Love,

Violet


DAY FIVE:

Dear Bob,

What a marvellous surprise! Today the postman delivered five gold rings.
One for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. To tell
you the truth, all these birds really squawk a lot and are getting on
my nerves.

Affectionately,

Violet


DAY SIX:

Bob,

Today the postman knocked and ran. When I opened the door there were
actually six geese-a-laying on my front steps. So, you're back on the
birds again. Those geese are huge! Where in the name of creation will
I keep them? The neighbours are complaining, rightfully so, and it is
impossible to sleep through this racket.

Now let this be the end of this.

Cordially,

Violet


DAY SEVEN:

Bob,

What the hell's with you and these effing birds?!? Seven
swans-a-swimming? What kind of god---- joke is this? There's bird crap
all over the house and they never stop with the racket.

Stop with this sadistic nonsense. This is not funny and I am very
unhappy.

Sincerely,

Violet


DAY EIGHT:

OK Pal ! !

WHAT IN THE SCREAMING HELL AM I GOING TO DO WITH EIGHT MAIDS-A-MILKING?
JESUS!!! I THINK I PREFER THE GOD---- BIRDS! THE GOD---- MAIDS-A-MILKING HAD TO BRING THEIR GOD---- COWS. THERE IS COW S--- ALL OVER MY LAWN AND BIRD S--- ALL OVER THE HOUSE. I CANNOT MOVE MY FEET.

JUST LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE, SMART---.


DAY NINE:

LISTEN S---HEAD ! !

YOU'RE SADISTIC! NOW I HAVE NINE PIPERS PIPING IN MY FRONT
YARD AND THEY ARE STANDING KNEE DEEP IN COW S---. THIS AFTER CHASING
THOSE MAIDS ALL NIGHT LONG. CONSEQUENTLY, UPSETTING THE COWS TO THE
POINT THAT THEY ARE STEPPING ALL OVER THOSE GOD---- SCREECHING BIRDS. THE NEIGHBOURS HAVE STARTED A PETITION TO EVICT ME.

UP YOURS ! ! !


DAY TEN:

YOU ROTTEN P---- ! ! !

NOW THERE'S TEN LADIES DANCING. I DON'T KNOW WHY I CALL THOSE THINGS
"LADIES". THEY'VE BEEN CHASING THOSE PIPERS ALL NIGHT LONG!

NOW THE GOD---- COWS CAN'T SLEEP AND THEY'VE GOT DIARRHEA! EVERYTHING HAS TURNED TO A RIVER OF S--- ! !

THE COMMISSIONER OF ZONING AND THE BUILDING INSPECTOR HAVE SUBPOENAED ME TO GIVE JUST CAUSE WHY MY HOME SHOULDN'T BE CONDEMNED.

I'M CALLING THE POLICE ! !

I MEAN IT. BY GOD !


DAY ELEVEN:

LISTEN -------- ! ! ! !

NEVER IN MY WILDEST IMAGINATION DID I EVER THINK THAT I WOULD BE WITNESS TO ELEVEN LORDS-A-LEAPING ON THAT MANY MAIDS AND "LADIES."

I WASN'T THE ONLY WITNESS, BY THE WAY.

THE "60 MINUTES" CAMERA CREW AND STAFF ARE JUST NOW LOADING UP THEIR CAMERA AND EQUIPMENT ON A CHARTERED PLANE AND ARE RACING AGAINST TIME TO HAVE THE FIRST CHRISTMAS SPECIAL ON PAY TV.

FOR THE RECORD, ALL 23 OF THOSE GOD---- BIRDS ARE DEAD. THEY WERE
TRAMPLED TO DEATH. AS GOD IS MY WITNESS, SOMEHOW, SOME DAY, I'LL GET YOU ! ! ! !

I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOUR FACE AGAIN AS LONG AS I LIVE!

MISS VIOLET MONICA HABERSHAN


DAY TWELVE:

LAW OFFICES GOLDSTEIN, SILVERBERG AND O'REILLY

Dear Sir:

This is to acknowledge receipt of your latest gift of twelve drummers
drumming, which you have seen fit to inflict upon our client, Miss
Violet Monica Habershan.

The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come
to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss Habershan at the
Charter Glade Sanitarium, the attendants have been instructed to shoot
you on sight!

With this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest.


( Uncensored Version )

Hellooo Guilders! Here is the winning drabble by little_kitty and dory_the_fishie. COngrats again ladies!


Professor Minerva McGonagall was sitting at her oak desk, looking through a stack of essays about the transfiguring of a goose into a coat rack and generally fearing for the grammar of today's youth. There were numerous errors on all the papers, save for a select few from those exceptional students. Readjusting her glasses, the professor got up from her desk and extinguished the candle mounted on the wall, feeling too tired to deal with misplaced punctuation marks at the moment.



Meanwhile, in the Great Hall, a group of sixth year students was discussing the responses they had written for today's in-class Transfiguration essay.

"Did you hear that McGonagall's docking marks for grammar and spelling errors now?" Neville moaned, dropping a few textbooks onto the table. "I mean, I never really paid attention to that."

"But correct spelling and grammar is essential in all writing," Hermione said disapprovingly.

"Don't worry, Neville," Emily said, "I know exactly who you need to talk to."



"Wha-?" started Neville, but Emily pulled him away, leading him toward the Hufflepuff table.



When Emily came up to her with a confused-looking Neville Longbottom trailing behind, Leanne looked up. "Hey, Emily," she greeted happily.



"Leanne," said Emily, suddenly becoming serious. "We have a code orange."



Leanne's demeanor also changed. "All right. Let's go see Anasuya and Karin."



"What are you talking about?" Neville asked, perplexed.

"You'll see," Emily replied, smiling.

The two girls led Neville up to the seventh floor, stopping when they reached the tapestry of Barnabas the Barmy. Neville opened his mouth, but Leanne pulled out a handkerchief and tied it over Neville's eyes. "We'll tell you when you can look," she said.

Emily paced back and forth across the hall. We need the place where we hold Beta Guild meetings.

A door magically appeared in the wall and the three of them went inside.

"Welcome to the Beta Guild," Emily said cheerfully as Neville looked incredulously around the room.

"What's the Beta Guild?" Neville asked.

"We're a secret club. We correct people's spelling and grammar," Emily replied, winking. "But you can't tell anyone or else we'll have to Obliviate you."

Leanne strode to the row of desks at the back of the room. "Neville, meet Anasuya and Karin. They're in charge. Guys, we have a code orange."



Anasuya and Karin exchanged serious looks. They both rose from their chairs and informed the room, which was dotted with Guild members, of the situation.



Immediately, and as quickly as though they had spotted a homonym error, all the students in the room hurried over to Neville and took his bag, pulling out his homework. He barely had time to react before they were sitting him down in a chair and pointing at a blackboard, saying things like 'This is a gerund,' 'Names of spells should be capitalized,' and 'You need a comma here, but not here.'



After an hour or so, Anasuya announced proudly, "Crisis averted." Everyone burst into cheers and threw comma-shaped confetti.

Okay, here is the first part of the eagerly anticipated Beta Guild Chat Transcript. I hope you all get a good laugh at the funny parts! *smile*

( Part One )

Alright, well here's the second half of the first ever beta guild chat. Enjoy!

( Part Deux )

Hello Guilders and welcome to our brand spanking new LJ! It's a place where we can chat, post drabbles and other such funness. Be sure to add this LJ to your friends list and comment on anything you feel necessary.